"This guy moved in next door. I didn't like the way he looked in that shirt. So, I called HITMAN. I never saw him again. Or his shirt. Serves him right."
D.G. -- Retired Truck Driver
"I had tenants that weren't paying rent. I had been taking them to court for several years and they were always able to beat the system, because they knew all the tricks and technicalities. All this added up to aggravation, time lost, and attorney fees. Then I contacted HITMAN and my blind spot problem was expediently solved next day. Next morning I read the headline in the paper that my tenants were found dead of a drug overdose. The police was not really interested in investigating the death of two junkies. Case closed."
T.J. -- Landlord
"My neighbor was having an affair with my daughter. One day he disappeared and no one could figure out where he had left. Next time I saw him was at Bodies the Exhibition, not as a visitor, but as part of the exhibit. I took my daughter to see the show. She couldn't stop talking about how much she liked the exhibit and all the specimens that were on show. It was really hard keeping all this laughter from bursting out. My stomach muscles hurt for days."
J.M. -- Entrepreneur
"My neighbor used to beat-up his own dog. I finally had enough and called HITMAN, seeking professional advice. The advice was immediately turned into a solution. In a couple of weeks his family received an unexpected delivery of dog food, for the whole year, as part of a nationwide promotion. This came at the right time because they were spending a fortune on private investigators, trying to find their father's whereabouts. I heard the dog really liked the new food. I think he recognized the smell."
S.D. -- Animal Lover
"I had been waiting for a promotion for years. All that was stopping me was the old creep that refused to retire. Then he died unexpectedly of old age."
G.W. -- Chief Executive Officer
"We were running out of corpses and needed some fresh cadavers for a shoot. We called HITMAN and within a a couple hours they had popped a cap one of our distributors who owed us money. And they even delivered! Take that Dominoes! There was only one very small hole in the back of their skull, which didn't even show up on camera. Thanks HITMAN for keeping us shooting the stiffs!"
Robert "Corpsy" Rhine
Publisher / Deaditor-In-Chief
Girls and Corpses Magazine
"I had been involved in a legal battle with a competitor. My expensive hot-shot attorney promised me an open-and-shut case and lots of money. The only promise he was able to deliver was his bill for his so-called professional services, along with an apology that he did his best. He promised to send the bill in the mail. Instead, I received a funeral invitation from his secretary."
J.C. -- Executive
"I met my wife through the Fling or Ring website... and things didn't quite go as planned. Right after she got her Green Card she started acting up and wanted to leave. She was threatening to take the house, the car, the kids and a big chunk of my money. When she said she was going to see a lawyer, I finally decided to contact HITMAN. She ended up seeing a pathologist, instead. Ironically, the whole thing didn't cost me a penny. After I paid HITMAN for their services, I collected ten times as much from my wife's life insurance."
S.M. -- Electrician
"I had this huge crush on this girl. There was only one problem: her boyfriend. So, I contacted HITMAN and problem was quickly solved. The doctors said that they did everything they could, but that they didn't catch his sudden illness on time, and that it was simply too late to make arrangements for a liver transplant. I was there to console the girl through her hard times. We've been happily married ever since."
T.B. -- Former Student
"Out of sight, out of mind!"
V.G. -- Criminal Entrepreneur
"I was having a lot of problems with this jerk at work. Then I contacted HITMAN. Coincidentally, right around that time, our company organized a trip to the zoo. I was hardly able to contain my amusement, next morning, when I read the headline, "Terrified Onlookers Scream in Disbelief as Man Eaten Alive by Heard of Hungry Alligators". Due to the absence of a body the cops had to identify the victim by process of elimination. Needles to say, he never bothered me again. Thanks, HITMAN."
E.G. -- Production coordinator
"My upstairs neighbor was always playing loud music. It used to drive me nuts. I tried everything. I tried to talk to him nicely, I tried to play loud music back, I even once switched off his electricity. Nothing worked. Then I started considering other alternatives: i.e. permanent solutions. I contacted HITMAN and they solved the problem within 24 hrs. For about a week everything was quiet. Then his next door neighbor upstairs called 911 because she smelled something. The cops found him dead, and the medical examiner said that he had died of Autoerotic Asphyxiation while listening to music on his Walkman."
F.U. -- Student
"They said he died of a 45 Magnum. I almost died of laughter..."
Anonymous Client
